Cheating Spouse [part2]

Why do cheaters cheat? Psychologists atone most cheaters have an underlying reason rather than the superficial satisfaction of the flesh. Instead of focusing on what is the problem within the marriage, the look for somethings to replace that void. In truth, it is not replaced but rather concealed beneath it. When this issue is not addressed, they are prone to repeat the offense. No relationship can work if only one would be fighting for it. Both must make efforts to work on the problems.

Realize your faults.
People tend to overlook their own faults when others have done us wrong. However, realizing your own faults helps you understand your partner's perspective.

Take responsibility for your actions.
Cheater or not, both should take responsibility for every action that affected people around you. After all, you yourself did this. Cheating is a choice. So is staying faithful.

Do not blame each other.
It would only add to each your grievances. People make mistakes but that does not give us the right to rub it in their noses all the time.

Be honest and choose.
You've got to admit, lying is easier right? Especially if the truth would be hurting somebody. But it is inevitable. You should be honest of what path you're going to take. Are you gonna make amends and fight for the relationship? Are you letting go of what you have? Or are still confused on what you want? Be honest even if it hurts. It is all you can give anyway.

Give respect to their space.
Sometimes when we are hurt, we need to have time for ourselves. Also, when we are angry we lash out, say things we regret. Let them. They need to process everything in their own way. However, make your love and affection evident too.

It will be extremely difficult. You'd have good days. Ones that are filled with love as if nothing has changed. You'd also have bad days wherein you'll remember all the hurt and the betrayal. Forgiving is easy. Forgetting is a different matter. Nonetheless, if you have been cheated on, remember that you cannot control your partner's actions and decisions but you can control yours.

Cheating Spouse [part1]

Just recently, a friend of mine came running to me crying. She had accidentally found out that her husband was cheating on her. She was blindsided! She had the perfect life. A stay at home wife with three kids, never had she thought that he would do such a thing, not even an inkling.She wanted to leave him but she had no job. No work experience. And three kids to take care of her. She had given up her dreams because she had thought that her marriage and children were all she needed.

So let's stop for a second. Was the affair confirmed? Have you confronted your husband? Did you come to a conclusion if you're staying or not? You cannot rush into a decision when emotions tend to over rule you. However, you must create a space for you. Thinking things over would help you focus on reality than on your feelings. You must face your own feelings but do not dwell on them too long. When you do, it would overpower you. That's when you'd do something you regret.

Mind you not every couple can survive this kind of crisis in their marriage. Not everyone is meant to. I am not saying every cheater should be forgiven and taken back but other marriages can surpass this. Some people do not have the strength to survive the hurt that cheating has cost their lives. Some lose their hearts in anger. Some do not even try. But should you?

What Defines You?

When I was a kid, my mother used to tote me around wherever she goes. We always run into one or two friends of my mother and they would always ask, "Is this your daughter? All grown up eh..yada..yada..yada.."  At school, teachers would oftentimes compare me with my sister who was a straight A student. I actually, did not make anything of it. When you're young, you do what you do. A job was just a job. Pocket money was all that mattered not savings. I thought I did good. I got married, had a happy relationship. I thought I got life figured out.

As the years went by, I noticed that whenever I see friends of ours down the street, they would always ask " Where's your husband? How is he?" It may be an innocent statement but I felt like they just know me as " my husband's wife" not me me. I felt lost. I began to think of what really defines me.

If I took out everything, my family, my husband, my job, what am I? Who am I? Am I always gonna be my mother's daughter? sister's sister? husband's wife? When you strip yourself of those, do you know who you are? It does not necessarily mean you do not value those. Yes, they are a part of you but not the core of you. You are who you are with or without them. That's when I met me.

It wasn't easy looking for me. I had journeyed half my life and realized, I am nowhere close to meeting who I was. I did not even know I should be looking for me! I used to think I knew everything. That I have lived enough to know what I needed to know. How wrong I was!

I started to think back on who I was. What made me what I am today. The changes I went through to be who I am today. These kept rolling in my head. Then I became more aware of what makes me laugh, what makes me cry or what makes me angry. I looked back on my life and tried to recollect what is my biggest achievement in life. I realized, I never gave me any importance.

When I met me, it was like being washed clean. It was like another breath of fresh air. I knew I had to do things for me once in a while. Obligations and responsibilities are always gonna be there but now I know that if I do not give me a moment, I cannot give life a moment too.

How to Fight when you have Nothing to fight for

People who seemed to have lost what means the most to them often succumb to despair. It is only natural that we grieve about the loss. Whether it may be a loss of a loved one, failure of a relationship or loss of career path, it all boils down to a loss of identity. The very feeling of the absence of it, creates a hole within us. Like a part of us has died. The truth is the more we value something, the more it becomes a part of us. Now when it is gone, we are completely lost.

Not everyone reacts the same when this happens. Experts say, crying helps alleviate the pain. That may be true but sometimes it is not the first coping mechanism people do. Most people deny the loss. When the pain becomes unbearable, oftentimes we shove it down. People resort to this because it helps them function in reality. They know that if they focus much on the pain, they would just stop as if the world did too. Others bounce back easily but what if you can't?

Imagine losing your job, your house, spouse or children? How will you continue with you life when you are suddenly at a loss? How to fight when you have nothing to fight for?

Cry, Grieve or be Angry
For pete's sake cry if you have to! Be angry if you feel the need! Grieve for what it's worth. But do not cry too long or be consumed with anger. Must we not allow ourselves to grieve? Grieve but do not prolong the sadness. Everybody needs to feel what we need to feel. It helps us move toward acceptance of the loss. Have the time to remember what you lost but also remember what you still have.

What Awaits You
Remembering what you lost is nothing compared to remembering what awaits you still. Look beyond the loss. What still remains? Do you have your health?friends?other opportunities? Every cloud has a silver lining. It is all in how we perceive reality. When despair creeps in, look what others don't have. There are many homeless people who don't have what you have. Even rich people could envy what you already possess. Just look beyond the loss.

One Step at a Time
No one ever said it would be easy. Recovering from a loss is difficult to say the least. Hell, it could almost bring you to your knees. But so what? Would you rather have nothing or strive to achieve something? You do not have to make big changes to know that you are moving forward. Little changes like you cry less than you used to or talking about the loss to others is a good start. Just don't stand still. You'd end up buried in the loss if you don't take the steps forward.

Do not Limit yourself with Things that Keep you Sane
Even if you feel like crying by yourself, get up. Surround yourself with people who understands when to cry with you or when to do silly stuff to cheer you up. Remind yourself of the things that life has in store for you. These are not replacement of what you lost but rather another opportunity to be happy. Life has plenty of those, you know.

Recovering is a Celebration
Others who are recovering the loss of a loved one might not agree with this but I believe it is a moment to celebrate. Our deceased loved ones would want us to celebrate life not throw a party. Celebrating life means doing what is necessary as well as doing what we love. It heals us.

 Living is a choice. Whether it is an easy choice to make or not, we have to choose. We can either let the loss define us or we define yourselves.